The Truth is Rarely Simple

Sometimes I wish things could just be simple. But I know that nothing much is. As Zora's birthday approaches, it is a time of so much happiness for our family - celebrating what an amazing, lively, funny and spirited little person she is. But it is mixed with some sadness because as much as we are happy and grateful and celebrating this time I know that this time is one of sadness and pain for Zora's birthmom. We send pictures and updates at least every month and have some email contact with her and I know how very much she misses Zora. I know how much she thinks about her and wishes that she were able to be in Zora's life. And my heart breaks for her. As a parent I can only imagine the pain and sadness of the difficult decision she made a year ago. Zora is such a gift and it is impossible to imagine our family without her in it now. But her being in our family means there is a hole somewhere else. And I know that some day there will be some sadness for Zora about all of this too. And that breaks my heart as well.

When we first started talking about adoption it seemed so simple to me - there are babies who need families and we want to have another baby. Adoption seemed like a win-win situation. But when we really started researching adoption and started down that path in earnest, I realized it was not quite that simple. And now that we are living it and the people involved (Zora, our family, her birthmom and other people in her family) are real people that I know and feel connected to, I realize so much more deeply that the truth is adoption is not so simple, so black and white. It is complicated and so many shades of grey, as so many important and amazing things in life are. None of this is to say that I don't think adoption can be a wonderful way to build a family or that I regret in any way that we chose this path for our family. I guess this is all part of having an open (or semi-open) adoption. It makes all of the people involved in the adoption on all sides real people, non just an abstract concept. And I think that is a good thing. A very good thing. Because while knowing, at least through email, Zora's birthmom makes me more aware of the sadness that she is experiencing, it also gives me the chance to really know how much she loves Zora. And that is something we can tell Zora about when we talk about her birthmom and how Zora came into our family. And I think that will be a real gift for Zora. And for that I am grateful.