The Waiting is the Hardest Part

Note: I just found this post that I wrote last summer and never published but it was interesting to read now that Zora has been home with us for almost 8 months so I thought I'd share it. As it turns out we were really only waiting for 3 months until we got matched and then about 5 or 6 more weeks until she was born. In retrospect, once we were matched that time did not feel long at all. But in the middle of that wait, when you have no idea if you will be matched next week, next month or next year, the wait feels impossibly long. So here is a glimpse of what was on my mind last summer.

That old Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers Song suddenly has a whole new meaning for me. All of our paperwork is finally in. It has been a long process. First we went through all of the paper chasing for our dossier to adopt from Ethiopia. Then just as we were ready to send it in I decided that maybe international adoption was not right for us (I think Ken was ready to strangle me when I announced this to him). It wasn’t easy to turn our backs on all of that work we had done towards an adoption from Ethiopia and shift gears. But the more I read and researched adoption, the more I felt like I wanted our child to have the opportunity to have as much information about their first family as possible, and hopefully be able to meet and have a relationship with them in the future if that is what he or she wants. This was something of a 180 for me since when we initially started talking about adoption I was fearful of the idea of open adoption. So we started to look at domestic adoption. After researching many agencies, we finally sent our paperwork in to the Family Resource Center in Chicago, IL. In mid-June we submitted our profile, which is like a photo album and letter introducing our family to expectant moms and sometimes dads considering adoption. It seems a little like a sales pitch and I really struggled with it. But now we are on "the list." Which means that our profile can be presented in any situation that matches our criteria and where we match the potential birth parent(s)’ criteria. So now our part is done and we just wait. I think this is the first time I've started to feel a little bit antsy in this whole process. We have only been waiting a month, which intellectually I know is not very long. Some days I don't think about it at all and other days I feel like it is all I can think about and I start thinking we will never be matched. I remember being antsy towards the end of my pregnancy – I was ready to meet the new little person and be done with being pregnant. And although you never know the exact moment it will happen, you have a due date and you know it will only go so far beyond that so there is a definite end in site. This waiting has no definite end. No date on the calendar to circle or count down to. It could be next week, next month, or next year. But I think the most difficult part of this waiting is that it is completely out of our control. Before, the hold up was always us as we gathered documents, filled out paperwork, researched agencies, etc. We were basically in control of the process then. But now it is out of our hands and all we can do is wait. When I was pregnant, I felt like I at least had some control because everything was taking place in my body. But even towards the end when I was waiting for my water to break or the labor pains that would signal that the wait was over, and I realized I didn’t really have control, I didn’t feel like anyone else did either. And somehow that was easier to accept. But this time, our fate, as it were, is in someone else’s hands. Some expectant mom has to make the heartbreaking and difficult decision not to parent her baby and instead make an adoption plan. And she has to look through who knows how many profiles of loving potential families for her baby. And she has to pick us. So I wait and wait and wait for the phone to ring and right now the wait feels impossibly long.